The hospital update

Hi everyone, I’ve decided to do a video blog today as my eye sight isn’t great and I’m having a lot of difficulties with focusing etc.

I apologise in advance for how terrible I look. A couple of days in hospital with a fever will do that!

After many, many hours of waiting

I love the smell of nebulizer in the morning

Oxygen saturation plummets but this helped a lot

Thanks for sticking with me on this one. It was tricky to do with my rubbish vision.

Much love


The day before the results

I get CT scans approximately every 12 – 16 weeks to check on my areas with metastatic breast cancer (and to check on any new areas of concern).

We in the cancer ‘community’ refer to wait between having the scans and getting the results as ‘scanxiety’ and I have it. Bad!

This has been a truly dreadful month. So many of my YBCN sisters have passed away, I have had almost constant fatigue, a few niggles that have turned to dread (sometimes your thoughts can be your worst enemy), my work stopped paying me sick pay without any notification whatsoever so I’m now officially poor.

And, absolutely worst of all, my cousin passed away completely unexpectedly last week leaving our entire family utterly devastated.

My Dad, Charlie, Me, Steph, Craig & Irana

Charlie in his element

Charlie and I on our way to Benidorm earlier this year

Charlie was the kind of guy who could walk into a room of people he’d never met and within the hour, be best friends with every one of them. He lit up the room made everyone feel included and was insanely generous to the people he loved. I still can’t believe he is gone. He deserved to live a long, happy life. I just don’t understand it. I’m so sad, angry, confused…

I love him and will miss him so much.

This combination shit storm has had quite an effect on my health. I’ve had a few migraines, I constantly feel as though I have a pain in my back, I’m struggling to swallow….. all signs that my immune system has taken a nose dive. It’s no surprise really, there’s only so much suffering one person (and her family) can take before an implosion begins.

So, if you’re the praying kind of person, please have a word for me for my results appointment tomorrow. My strength reserves are unbelievably depleted.

Sending all my love to you, my gorgeous readers. I thank you for staying by my side during the good times and the really, truly awful. I love you all.

The family wedding

I could not have been prouder nor held any more love in my heart for my whole family as I did right then. It was truly wonderful. Continue reading

The hot trot plot

A quick update before I move on to the real purpose of this post. I’m now coming towards the end of my 2nd cycle of Capecitabine and I must admit, I’m managing it better than I had anticipated. I mean, … Continue reading

The bad news

Since my first diagnosis, I’ve had to both receive and share a lot of bad news. I’m honestly not sure which one is worse. Seeing the look of fear, sadness and shock on the faces of people you love as you tell them life altering news is soul destroying.

A few weeks ago I had to report more bad news.

The lesion on my liver has grown from 1.7cm to 5cm in the past 16 weeks. This means my treatment has stopped working. It means I need to start chemo again.

At that time, my oncologist told me I’d be starting chemo immediately as the tumour in my liver is growing extremely fast. At the Multi Disciplinary Meeting, it was suggested that a liver biopsy be done to find out if my cancer type has changed at all (which may explain the speed of the growth). However, after my scans had been viewed by various liver specialists, it was decided to be too risky a surgery as the tumour is very deep and extremely close to a blood vessel. The risk of internal bleeding was too high.
We spoke about a few different types of chemotherapy options open to me and have settled on a pill form called Capecitabine. The benefits of this is no weekly cannulas and, hopefully, very minimal hair loss. However, it is still chemo and will have a list of side effects as long as my arm. This is a link to MacMillan’s info sheet if you’d like to find any info:

As usual, none of my appointments are plain sailing. After waiting weeks for the liver biopsy decision to be made, I was assured that my 1st chemo, along with my bone strengthening injection would be yesterday. I just had to sit by my phone and a nurse would call me with my appointment time. Well, I waited until 10am before my anxiety got the better of me and I called the hospital and asked to talk to a chemo nurse. When I was put through and told them my name, the incredibly hostile nurse told my appointment had been on Tuesday and I’d missed it. *sigh*…..
On the Tuesday I’d actually been in a separate hospital having an ECG, having pre chemo bloods taken and signing all the consent forms for this new type of treatment. I explained this to her and was told in no uncertain terms that she ‘couldn’t’ (wouldn’t?) help me. Whatever happened to a bit of sympathy and general human kindness?
So, my next step was to phone the Queen Margaret and try to track down my oncologist. Eventually I managed to speak to her secretary who also ‘couldn’t’ help me. Her reason? She was finishing at 12pm (it was only around 10:30am at this point). As if I’d be placated by that excuse, she began to say goodbye but I refused to be fobbed off. I reminded her that, as with most of her boss’s patients, I have cancer. I’ve been waiting nearly 3 weeks to begin treatment and I will not allow myself to be forgotten by those whose job it is to ensure I get the treatment and care I deserve.
She seemed a little shocked at this which is dreadful. Everyone deserves to be listened to and cared for, particularly where your health is concerned. She offered to email my oncologist for me to try to find out what was happening. I told her I’d leave it in her capable hands to do whatever was necessary to ensure my message reached her. Today.
Luckily, stomping my feet worked and within an hour, the chemo ward called me back, apologised for the ‘confusion’ and arranged my appointment for tomorrow (well, today now since I’m writing this at 2:30am).

So, if you can, send a wee positive thought our way at 2pm. I’m really nervous and anxious about going through this again, but most of all, I pray that it works! Please extend those good vibes towards Steph too. It’s easy to forget the husband/wives of the patients but they go through every emotion and more. Steph deals with so much and I’m actually starting to suspect that he’s a real life super hero. Who else could go through all of this but still make me smile and laugh every day?! (Particular when he performs his made up on the spot silly songs and dances). I couldn’t do this without him by my side.

During the time between being told the news about my liver and now, I’ve managed to catch up with a lot of my family. My Dad flew over almost immediately to offer his support and, coincidentally, my cousin and his family were over visiting from Australia. It was a very welcome distraction from the anxiety I was feeling a really lovely to spend time with everyone.

Charlie Jr, William, Duncan (my Dad) and his brother Charlie Sr

The McLauchlan’s out for tapas

Dog walkies (in between days of fatigue) with Dad and Steph

The McLauchlan’s at my aunt and uncle’s house

We all went for a curry and the ‘young ones’ went out to sample the delights of Dunfermline….

During all of this time, our poor dog Dexter had become mega overdue for a haircut. He finally got done today and looks like a new (half the size) dog. The groomed went a little bit overboard grooming Obi and now he looks a bit poodle-esque. Oh well, he’s still cuter than cute!

Curly wurly, dense haired Dexter

Trying out the new ‘skinhead’ style 😂

And lastly, I want to give a little mention to one of my very best friends, Jodi. Jodi has had a really tough time lately. That’s actually a huge understatement. However, she has been bloody brilliant to me. She came with me the day I got my recent bad news. She was strong, composed and made sure she understood everything the oncologist told her so I didn’t have to. She also never let go of my hand. I feel very lucky to have her in my life! Jodi, this blog is dedicated to you.

Jodi knows to feed me cake when I’m sad!

The bad, the good and the ridiculously cute

As usual, it’s been way too long. Please forgive me! After the huge fundraising campaign to help us install a new bedroom with ensuite in an unused downstairs room in our house (huge thank you to everyone who helped, we are thrilled with it and it makes life so much easier!), I became very ill with, what I though was a bad chest infection. After a few days my symptoms were increasing and I couldn’t swallow without intense pain in my oesophagus. I was admitted into hospital and was told I had the flu. As my immune system is still very poor, they kept me in for 3 days to do tests and give me an industrial dose of tamiflu and antibiotics. I really wasn’t any better when they sent me home but my hatred of hospitals persuaded me that I’d recover better at home so off I went. The next night was the fundraising finale, a Ceilidh that my friends and I had organised (particular thanks go to Pauline, she did so so much work for that night. She is a wonderful friend). I was so ill, I spent the day torturing myself about whether or not I should go. At about 9pm, I dragged myself along so I could, at least, see the place and say hello to all the people who came along to support me. I lasted an entire 20 minutes before the hot flushes began and the crippling pain in my throat and chest returned. Not sure if I was going to faint, throw up or some combination of both, I had Glenda take me home.

By this point I hadn’t been able to eat anything for well over a week and I was now completely unable to take any of my vital medication or drink fluids as every swallow set my oesophagus into horrifically painful spasms.

The next morning I was admitted into hospital again and hooked up to so many tubes and machines, I had lost count. I was taken to the infectious diseases ward as they still had no definitive diagnosis. The main concern at that point was getting my rehydrated and trying to find alternatives to the pills I usually take that would do the same job. They either had to go through my IV or be injected. I was so weak and so down by that time, I took anything they would give me with no question. After I’d been in for 3 or 4 days, I was taken down for a gastroscopy to find the route of the problem. Straight away they could see how badly damaged my oesophagus was and it looked as though it had been caused by a bacterial infection called gastritis. Its very rare to have bacterial gastritis and in this area, so they really didn’t know what they were looking for until they found it. After that, I slowly began to get better but it took at l east another week to be able to drink without pain and another 3 weeks before I could swallow pills or food. I had to wear a syringe driver which would pump medication into me through a little needle under my skin 24 hours a day. It was very uncomfortable but it was the only way I was able to get out of the hospital so I was happy to take it! This all began at the end of June and I still don’t fully have my appetite back.

I think the worst part about this is that it wasn’t cancer related at all so I can’t blame it on that. It was ‘just one of these things’. Another one? For me? They shouldn’t have! I was meant to return to work in July and that had to be delayed. I had been really looking forward to that so this knock back hit me hard. Life really deals you some crappy hands sometimes doesn’t it!

So, that was the Bad!

The Good is that since then I have gone back to work. This time last year, I didn’t imagine I’d ever be strong or well enough to do that. In fact, I highly doubted I’d still be around never mind being able to work. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still not well. I never will be. But, I can do my best to get out there and claim my space back in the world. My work is really satisfying, social and fun. I missed it a lot. The downside of my job is that it can be very physical and fast paced and I knew this was going to be very challenging. I remember how tiring it was after I first started and I was way healthier and fitter than I am now. The thing I’ve learned, and am still working on is to listen to your body. If it tells you not to do something, its for a reason. listen. That approach is helping me get through. I know I can do up to 4 hours of work but I then need to take it easy for the rest of the day. If I work, then go shopping, then come home and clean the house etc, the next day I will be in too much pain and fatigue to move and my entire day will be written off and there’s no point in that. I still struggle with feelings of being too lazy and beating myself up for the things I should have done/be doing. I’m definitely my own worst enemy sometimes!

That brings me to The ridiculously Cute. Look away now if you are feeling a bit doggy broody…



His name is Obi and he joined our family about a month ago. He had a bit of a rough start in life but is more than making up for it now. He is a joy to be around and is already picking up some basic commands and doing very well with toilet training. He can be a lot of hard work but he is very very worth it!